Five Questions Never to Ask a Pregnant Woman

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: This does not apply if we are friends or family. If I actually know you then any of these topics are fair game and I'd love to talk about them with you. I'd also love to hear your opinion or thoughts. We can joke about any of these things too! These rules apply to complete and total strangers... for instance, the man stocking shelves at Winn Dixie, the lady behind me in line at McDonalds, any random person who happens to spy my big belly. END OF VERY IMPORTANT NOTE

I have noticed something. I'm not sure if it's a Southern thing, an American thing, or just a human thing but people will ask a pregnant woman anything! Apparently when you become pregnant you not only agree to have a baby share your life and body for nine (long) months, but you also submit to intense interrogation by everyone you meet. (See important note for clarification on "everyone"). People seem to lose all sense of propriety around you and will say, quite literally, just about anything. Has the world always been like this? Did I used to do this before I was pregnant and then some lady sat at home bemoaning MY actions on her blog? Maybe I did thoughtlessly do this to women... but no longer! In order to assist us all, I've come up with five easy questions that you never ask a pregnant woman.

Less important note: Maybe not all women are like me. Maybe some like to answer the same questions over and over again for months and be subjected to comments about their weight or size. For you women.... lucky you... End less important note

Also less important note: I love my baby and most moments I love being pregnant. I am not saying any of this because I resent the miracle of the ability to grow life inside me! End also less important note

The Five Questions Never to Ask a Pregnant Woman

1. "You're just miserable aren't you?"
Do you really want an honest answer or do you want me to sugarcoat it for you?.... "No, it's not that bad. It's just that my feet are three times their normal size and my back hurts from carrying around fifty extra pounds and I've been having contractions for the last five weeks and I'm really slow so I have to stand on those fat feet extra long and I live in a place where it's like 110 degrees during the day and even if it weren't I'd still probably be sweating through my panties most of the time, and instead of getting on with my errands I'm standing in the middle of a shopping aisle on my fat feet talking to you. So no, it's not too bad."

2. "When are you due?"
If I had a dollar for every time I have uttered the words "August 17" in the last nine months, I could send this kid to college tomorrow. It's really an honest question and such a simple one that I know why people ask it. Perhaps they just want something to talk about and that's fine, but I don't need commentary on my answer. I really don't care if August 17 is your mom's cousin's hairdresser's birthday/anniversary/bar mitzvah. And no, I will not wait three days so that my baby will be born on your grandmother's birthday (seriously?), maybe for my grandmother, but not for yours.

3. "Do you know what you're having?"/"Is it a boy or a girl?"
Can I just answer "yes" and move on? No, the reason you ask the first question is to get at the second. I'd like to see a statistic on the percentage of people these days that don't find out ahead of time what they are having. I know people who didn't, but I think the majority of people do. Again, a simple question and it's not the asking that's a big deal, it's the commentary. "Oh you'll love having a boy" (how do you know?). "Little boys always love their moms best" (Even if I beat him?) Occasionally someone will try to guess the gender just by looking at me and if they are willing to accept that they're wrong if they are (I have pictures people!), then that's kinda fun. Also if I tell them it's a boy then they may want to know what I'm naming him which sort of creeps me out a little. I don't know why, but I feel like I should post a picture of this person just in case they ever come around calling "Peter, Peter". But maybe I'm paranoid

4. "Is this your first?"
Again simple but I don't really know why people are asking it. Actually, I know why some people are asking it... "Yes, it is my first but I'm not 14 years old (contrary to the way I look). I'm actually 24, I've graduated from college, and been married for over two years." Cause most people are actually not rude enough to say, "Wow, look at you all pregnant. How old are you?" I usually just say, "Yes, it's my husband and I's first"

5. "Is it twins?"
Seriously... you don't really mean that you think there are two, what you mean is... "You are way too fat to just have one perfectly healthy normal sized infant inside you. No, you are so fat, there must be two (or even three) of them." Gee thanks! Also, (like the gender thing) don't argue with me about it, I've seen the ultrasound machine and I know they're wrong sometimes, but just because your granny said you have a gift for telling stuff like this does not mean I'm going to trust your word over my trained doctor with years of experience. While we are on the subject of twins you should also refrain from making any comments about my size (I am after all carrying a child within me, cut me some slack!) These (which I have actually heard) include: "You look about ready to pop." (I started hearing that about two months ago so you people obviously can't tell that just by looking at me.) "Wow you're sure big." (Seriously... would you just say that to a 180 pound 5'2" woman who wasn't pregnant?) "It's about time, isn't it?" (If it were, would I be standing here talking to you?) Didn't your momma ever teach you, it is never polite to comment about someone's weight/size... unless that person has an obviously swollen belly, right? What if it's a tumor?

These aren't the only wrong things to say, but these just about cover 97.2% of my conversations with strangers these days. Please also refrain from asking the bizarre or intensely personal. "What kind of food do you crave?" "Can you see the baby's feet when he kicks you?" "Will you have an epidural?" "Can I hug you?" No, I don't even know you.

But just so you're not left with nothing....
What you can (AND SHOULD) say to a pregnant Woman

1. "Can I help you?"
Last week at Walmart a couple passed me while I was loading stuff in the car and the guy offered to put my cart away. "Um, yes and thank you!" I would probably never call myself a feminist so I totally think pregnant women should be given empty seats, closer parking spots, and bigger food portions (haha, oops, how did that get on there?). Now the caution to this is if I refuse your help, then you need to just let it go... pregnant women get mad... fast.

2. "You look beautiful"
I think you should tell all women this frequently, but especially pregnant ones. I'll even pretend that what you mean isn't "You look beautiful (for a heifer)."

3. Anything about my life outside of the baby and/or the physical state of being pregnant.
Pretty soon I'll define my whole life by my baby... who are you? I'm Peter's mom. So let me be my own person for a little longer. "That's a cool purse." "I love your eyeshadow." "I wonder if it'll rain today." All great small talk comments

Perhaps these tips aren't helpful to you and you don't see why I'm upset... well take this as a pregnancy rant and put it out of your head. But hopefully you're a little wiser and a little more entertained.

Important closing note: My tendency to be frustrated with strangers is obviously not much of a Christ-like attitude and I am attempting to be slightly more patient with people. Maybe the world would be better served if we acted like all people were pregnant and got right up in their business in the middle of the Piggly Wiggly aisle... maybe?