That thing I swore I would never say

Today I said it....

That thing I swore I would never say...

That thing that so many women said to me when I was hugely and miserably pregnant....

"I wish I was pregnant again"

Usually it was surrounded by words like "I remember being so happy." "It was the most wonderful time of my life."

At the time I was 60 pounds overweight with feet like overstuffed sausages and a belly the size of a 25 pound watermelon. I heard them and I thought "You are crazy. You obviously don't remember it as well as you think you do. Why would anyone wish to be this way." in my moe selfish moments I even wished the baby would be born premature so it would be over, but I would later repent of those thoughts knowing that it was better for him the longer he stuck around. Even after I was newly unpregnant I thought " yeah, sleeping my belly, no hiccuping parasites, touching my toes.... this is the life! Why would anyone go back?" Plus then I had my beautiful son to actually look at and hold (and then joyfully put down away from me). I swore I would never say that I wished I was pregnant again.

But I said it today...

We were at a big kids clothes consignment sale and I saw them, with their little basketball sized tummies, patting their dancing bellies. And for just a passing moment I reached up for my tummy and sighed, "I wish I could feel that again". Then when I realized all I felt was stretched out flab and stretch marks the though quickly passed but it was there. I had wished to be pregnant again.

Our minds are funny things. Psychologists say our minds block out traumatic events to help us continue functioning. And I'm convinced pregnancy must fall into that category. Why else would anyone have more that one? I guess the severity of the pain determines how long the mind takes to blur over the pain. For me, it was almost exactly six months. On Friday Peter will be six months old and as I lay here in bed I remember when he used to share the same physical space as me and how wonderful that bond was.... then I roll onto my belly and I think, "nah, it's pretty nice being just me"

For now at least....