We are having positioning issues

An open letter to as-yet-unnamed-Caspers-baby:

Dear baby,
This is your mommy. You probably don't know it yet but I love you very much. You also don't know that I will always love you even when I'm not liking you so much... now is one of those times. I know you think you're just floating around inside of the world's greatest water bed but you are as a matter of fact in my tummy and that is not the headboard you keep kicking off of, those are my ribs. Also, that fun cord thingy that ties you to me... when you pull on it, I can tell and frankly it doesn't feel nice. Now remember, I said I would love you no matter what cause you are my child and I am your mommy but I have to say, if you bunch up on my left side one more time causing that side of my belly to poke out about two inches higher than the other side, I am going to start pushing back. This could mean war and just remember, for several years now I will be bigger than you and control your allowance.  
Love,
Mom

P.S. This getting the hiccups every few hours thing is also getting a little ridiculous. I'm not even sure how you get the hiccups since you don't breathe air yet.